I got a new saddle for Christmas.  A fabulous gift!!!  Cheap, yes.  (O.K. if you know me, you know that “cheap” to me is a badge of honor, not something that I think is demeaning, lol) It fits my horse WONDERFULLY!  No more slippage when I mount from the ground.  He’s taking up hills without trying to trot, just puts his head down and works! 

And it feels like it was made for me- my leg hangs just right, the seat is the perfect size and it’s cushy like a couch. 

It came with a new, matching breast collar…  I love it, but it’s a typical western breast collar that doesn’t fall in line with Nez’ shoulder.  So I get online and look for a wither strap so that I can get it to fit like my old endurance style breast collar.  Which does not match my new tack and I may be a redneck, but I am a redneck GIRL, so I still like to match!

Do you know what those suckers cost?!  Like at least 60 bucks.  Plus waiting around for shipping.  No thanks, I’ll just raid my office, lol.  1 strip of nice soft, thick nylon strapping- check.  2 conway buckles- check.  Trigger snap- check.  Big nail and a lighter- check. 

I now have a beautiful, soft nylon wither strap that looks great and makes the breast collar fit exactly like I want it too.  So I figure I just gave myself a $60 coupon, lol.

I was feeling a redneck girl’s kind of high on that little piece of home made equipment so I decided to make a few other goodies.  Saved myself another $24 with a few pieces of 1/4 inch felt and velcro, by the way.

My next project will be changing out the conchos on my saddle to stars (so they match my bridle, of course!) I think while I’m doing it, I’ll add some D rings that I have so that I can tie things on.  Woo hoo! 

So my question is this- what is the most redneck thing that you’ve done (that worked out WELL).  No, I don’t want to know about the trash burried on the back 40, the burned out car that you “salvaged” to drive when you were in high school or your cousin and his drunken horseback ride that ended in someone getting shot with a bb gun in the eye. 

If you have some cool tips/tricks that I can pass on in my next newsletter, I’ll send you a $5 gift certificate as my thank you! 

As the saying goes… “opinions are like ___ holes, everyone has one”.

That is the most prevalant feeling that I have right now.  And what was this sparked by?  An innocent post on facebook of all places, lol.  A friend of mine posted a video link of a dressage ride.  The new record.  I posted to her that it was the best dressage ride I’ve seen at that competetive level in a LONG time.  Probably ever.

Then a few other friends have posted the same video.  To which I find people tearing it down.

Do I think that I am watching the essence of perfection unfold before my eyes as I watch this ride?  No.  

I do note that a LOT of high level dressage competition that I’ve watched lately is FULL of hollow backs when collection is desired, mouths are gaping and foaming (even when wrenched closed with a flash) and the horses in general look like every inch of their bodies are doing their best to escape the person on their back while completing the task at hand.  I’m talking about world reknowned riders here, not backyard DQ’s. 

This ride did NOT look that way to me.  Sure, there were moments when the horse did not look like he was one with the force.  Like he had moments of irritation.  He was behind the verticle more than I’d like.  Also there were quite a few moments of just utter concentration and darned hard work going on!   That was no easy ride!!!

Dressage isn’t my style.  It’s too micro-managing.  It’s too foo-foo.  It’s too a LOT of things for me.  But do I see the beauty in it?  Absolutely. 

Speaking of absolute- the point that I simply MUST make right this very moment before I implode on myself like a dying star is this:  There is no absolute when it comes to horsemanship.

Period.

I’ve had lots of folks tell me lots of things.  I have friends on EVERY end of the spectrum.  Worked with/know trainers from the very old school cowboy way, to the modern day version of “cowboying” (which is usually more akin to being a class-a jerk) to folks that let fluttery bull pucky float past their teeth that would have none of us ever ride our horses because we just ain’t ever gonna be good enough.  We can’t ever ride that perfect ride of zen-like communication where we are not “abusing” our horse by not being perfectly clear with our intent. 

Well crap.  If I listen to them, I should never ride and instead bow down to Horse like a diety.  The almighty perfect creation with whom I do not deserve to clean the hooves of.  Or pay the vet bills of.  Or pay their feed bill before I even buy my own groceries (which I do, by the way). 

No.  No, I will not fall victim to one end of the spectrum or the other.  NO.

Do I strive for perfection in my communication and relationship with my horse.  Sorry.  The answer is still no.  Not be crass, but I don’t strive for perfection in my marriage for goodness sake.  Or any other HUMAN relationship.

I do strive to be better today than I was yesterday.  Most of the time I can pull that off.  Though not always. 

I do strive to apologize when I hold fault… in fact, I am sure most neighbors or passers by have heard me apologizing to my horse on many occasion when we are working on something.  Not because I am “not worthy”.  Not because I think the horse better than I.  But because I do understand that a LOT of our issues are legitimatly my doing…  not being clear, not having the right answer for what he needs.  Asking him to do more than what he can offer.

Heck, I’m not a very good rider anyway.  I’m lucky I stay on, especially with my propensity to sit forward all the time.  Dang it.  Pockets.  Pockets.

Woops, back to topic.  Do I think I’m abusing my horse?  Not at all.  In fact, I’m not ashamed to tell you he’s darned lucky to have me.  Yep.  That’s right…  He’s well fed.  Couldn’t be fed much better.  He receives all the care, attention and whatever else a horse could need or want.  Regular worming, hoof care, (cleaned and treated at least 4-5 times a week- can you say that about your horse?)  Low sugar treats on occassion.  Lots of grooming, massage, stretching.  Buddies in his pasture that don’t give him the beat down.  And he’ll be with me for his last breath, Lord willing. 

I just don’t know how some people can stand themselves.  How high-and-mighty can a person be without feeling that the weight of the whole world is on their shoulders?

I’m not perfect and I never will be.  I don’t expect other folks to be perfect either.  I don’t expect that if you and I ride together we’ll have all the same viewpoints on everything horse related.  And I don’t expect that all of my opinions are right and you’re the one that’s misinformed.  Or that you’re “abusing your horse” if you’re not perfect.  Which you aren’t, by the way *wink*.  Sorry to have to be the one to tell you that.  I hate hearing it too.

Sometimes I’m braced.  Sometimes my horse is.  Sometimes he’s braced because I am.  We try to always end on a good note.  Each day better than the last. 

And you know what?  Every day I show up and he nickers at me.  I have a song in my heart just for him.  Is everything perfect?  No.  But you know what?  We show up anyway.  We work on it.  Even when we don’t really feel like it.  And isn’t that what matters?!?    I think it is…  I think that is what counts more than the perfect moments.   Showing up for the imperfect ones…  Sharing their burden and working through it together. 

I feel better now ;~)

Maintaining flexibility to change my plans… while actually HAVING a plan.  That is an interesting balance.

Over the last few years (having kids!) I have learned to keep my plans “in pencil” rather than ink.  I have grown to appreciate being able to get up at a moment’s notice to help someone that is in need, or change our plans for home schooling, or (_fill_in_the_blank_) 

HAVING a plan is the hard part for me when it comes to horsemanship.

I can make a plan for housework, for soap making, for today’s math.  I don’t doubt myself, it seems simple enough, I put it in my Clie and move forward.  If I need to modify my plans, fine.  Easy enough.

But with horsemanship, somewhere along the way I lost “me”.  As a kid I rode.  It really was that simple.  I just rode.  100 degrees or pouring rain, I rode.  With a friend or (more often) alone, I rode.  A green arabian brood mare or a seasoned roping horse, I rode.  Past crazy dogs, through muddy marshy ponds and across intersections. 

I didn’t start with lessons, didn’t know any fancy catch phrases, had never lunged a horse.  Just grandpa and mom, in field with no fences.  Basic steering and brakes- that was it.  And it began… I rode.

I could never get enough Western Horseman or Horse Illustrated- reading the advice and applying it during my next ride.  Memorizing the patterns and trying them on the abandoned building pad next door.  Somehow I never questioned myself- I just loved to ride and wanted to improve where ever I could.  

How is it that now, so many years later… after studying well known clinicians, taking lessons with great instructors, reading books and watching a bazillion hours of video… how then is it possible that I feel like a WORSE rider than when I was in 3rd grade?

I know that part of it is that I’ve drown myself out.  There are too many voices to listen to.  I no longer have that inate trust of myself and my horse.  I no longer ride with the child-like abandon that knows no fear.  But I do remember.  A friend recently gave me some advice, to listen to myself and do what I thought I should do without over thinking it.  Wow, what a concept, lol! 

Listening to MY gut rather than playing loops of everyone else’s advice in my mind, thus rendering myself inaffective.

That has been my riding goal lately.  To listen to my gut and RIDE.  It is going VERY well.  I have been riding up and down the driveway of the place where we board… down the street and back.  Just getting Nez comfortable riding out (which he has a pretty easy time with) and back (which he would rather race home). 

We’ve kept up our little jaunts on the local trail system and it’s gone well.  But today was so beautiful and just felt like going for a real trail ride.  So I did.

We warmed up in the arena and out we went.  I prayed over him and the song that was going through my mind was “I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back, no turning back”.  I prayed that we would be safe, that his mind and feet would be with me and that he would decide to follow me.    I got off to pass the uncapped t-post fence down the road, we went through the gates and I hopped back on. 

“Let’s go.”  A couple of times he weaved a little, glanced back… once he stopped.   My plan was to ride.  I didn’t feel that changing that plan was necessary, so I told him he’d be fine and to keep moving.  I listened to my gut and what I believe is God, guiding our feet down the trail.   Nez did a little squirming, I got a little firm- but I rode as softly as I could and was as firm as I needed to be.  We rode out on a nice loose rein and had a GREAT time! 

Once I finally decided that I could do it and that I’m a perfectly capable rider, I guess he thought so too. 

We went out farther than we have before, past the bob cat spot, through mud and up and down some hills.  We went out far enough that we even past another rider :~)  I took the picture above when we were on our way back with my phone. 

Along part of the way I sang the song outloud… it was a glorious ride.

I did get off and walk almost all the way back- he still wants to trot when we turn to head home (at a snails pace, lol, but we’re going for solid, comfortable trail riding here, not super slow trotting and anxiety :~)   And up the last long hill I kept reminding myself “sweet potatoe pie, stuffing and mashed potatoes” over and over again!

Horsemanship is journey.  Just like growing up was.  Just like parenting.  Just like life! 

My journey has brought me to a place that God is able to use my quiet time with my horse to teach me things that I will be able to use in the rest of my walk through life.  And one of those things is that sometimes there is great value in staying the course and following the trail without turning back.  

I believe that we learn as much as we are open to- good days or bad.  But this morning I had a good day that impacted the way I see a lot of things.  One very important revelation was totally unrelated to horses.

Today was ride #2 out to the local trail head.  Well, it was hand-walk #2 :~)

We started the day by warming up in the arena…  nice forward walking.  A little bit of leg for steering (a concept which he still hasn’t mastered and isn’t quite sure if he should be going faster or moving over).  Thanks to a suggestion from a friend, I did a few patterns for him to focus on that I could repeat at the trail head.  We did a few walk trot transitions with hardly any trotting, trying to keep this old guy sound, lol.

Once he felt nice and warm, I got off and we walked out to the trail head.  Past a llama that galloped after us, past the goats, past the barking dogs and calling horses.  Through the gates and he made it all the way, calmly, like he’d done it more than once. 

On the other side of the final gate, I checked the girth and hopped on.  No dancing.  No prancing.  No evading.  He just stood there, quiet and ready.  Oh be still my heart!

I praised him and rubbed him and let him stand.  Then I asked for some forward and we started right in with the same patterns we’d done in the arena…  walk forward on a circle, whoa, back, pivot, whoa.  Praise.  Start again. 

He exceeded my expectations.  My plan was that if he would go through the pattern calmly, I would reward him by quitting.  He worked calmly, relaxed and on a loose rein while we were facing away from home.  Facing toward home a few times he thought about trotting, was a little rushed and I had to have more contact with his face than I’d like. 

But every time I asked for a whoa I got it.  And every time he stopped, he backed right up. And best of all, most of our stops he was able to stand still for a few seconds.  I didn’t look at my watch, but there’s no way it took longer than 7-10 minutes.  And the first time that he worked on a loose-ish rein as we were facing home, I kept my promise and quit. 

We did go for a walk down the trail for a little ways and when he had a big forward walk, I walked a small-ish circle and we headed home.  He walked nice and easy all the way back.  I think I’ll walk him home from the trail head gates to the barn every time for a good long while to instill the “we walk nice and easy” concept solidly before I ride back. 

I was floating on a cloud and grinning on the walk back!  And by now the neighbors must have figured out that I hold full on conversations with my horse, lol.  I am SO looking forward to our next ride- probably on Monday.  Plan for Monday is the same basic plan, but I’d like to be able to work in a larger area (arena size compared to round pen size).  And I’d like to head out on at least 2 of the trails, turn around and ride back on a loose rein several times. 

I think once we have that mastered, we’ll have a nice solid foundation and be ready to venture out with me in the saddle.  Though I think I will try to still get lots of walking in- I feel really good about the exercise that I’m getting with the extra walking…  I may just ride out and walk back on our first few trail rides.  I feel kind of funny walking my horse, but my legs sure feel great after a nice up hill walk!

So as I floated and grinned on my drive home I had a profound moment.  Nez has taught me that I don’t just want a compliant horse… I want a horse that trusts me, communicates with me and ultimately does what I need him to do.  Even if it’s not his favorite thing, but not because he has no other choice.   When I first brought him home, he would do whatever I asked.  As he trembled.  It took a lot of effort and time to teach him that it was o.k. to have an opinion that was different than mine.  That I would not punish him for expressing himself.  I had to find ways to help him understand appropriate ways of expressing his feelings and fears that would keep himself and people safe. 

I am seeing the fruit of that now.  In his confidence, in his boldness, in his expressiveness.  I am seeing that because he knows if he is afraid then he has the option to move his feet, he doesn’t move far anymore :~)  Where a “move of his feet” used to mean scrambling across the pasture, it now means shuffling backwards or sideways a few steps.

So as I grinned my way home and replayed it in my mind, it lead me to thinking about my kids…  Sometimes they express their disagreement and opinions a little too strongly!  Not quite appropriately…  I can find myself easily frustrated with their outbursts.  Wondering what I’ve done so wrong.  Today I realized that it’s not about what I’ve done wrong- it’s about what I’ve done RIGHT.   I have kids that are confident enough to disagree with me.  To stand in the face of authority and express what they feel.  Kids that, once they calm down, can be communicated with openly- kids that will listen and learn and ask questions.  And ultimately, kids that will do the right thing in the end, even if they don’t feel like it. 

Funny how I can be trying so hard to help my horse get to that place- and be happy with the little steps he offers in the right direction.  And in contrast how my kids offer so MUCH and yet I find myself dissappointed.  Wow.  That all changed today.  Thank you Lord for using my spotty old pony to teach me something so profound.  And I’m sorry it took me so long to get it.

When a horse is legitimately afraid, they cannot think through a situation.  Neither can I, for that matter…  Nez has spent the last year learning that we’ll allow him to move his feet if he needs to (as long as it’s not over the top of a person), that we won’t sock him in the face, that we are consistant (as a scatter-brain can be, lol) and that we are fair.

Lately he is growing more bold…  Things that I would cringe to see another horse do (like mug me for cookies) I am tickled that he has started doing. 

Of course, with the new boldness comes a new need.  The need for correction.  Or boundary.  Or clarification of boundary. Or respect for my leadership.  I’d rather stab my own leg with a fork than use some keyword that a clinician has turned into an idol, so I guess I should define what I mean.

Correction- telling him no.  I’ve heard people comment harshly on the term “correction” and maybe I’m some kind of fool… but on Tuesday when Nez turned around, gave me the “look” and bit my stirrup he flat out needed to be told NO.  Nothing more was needed and he knew exactly what I meant.  The same kind of guidance that I would give to my child if he was about to make a mistake is what I offered to my horse.

Boundary- I’ve purposely let Nez come into my space.  I know, it’s risky.  I felt strongly that I needed to take some risk here and let him see that my space was safe.  My space was not filled with anger or danger or any of the things that had made him afraid in his previous life.  My space is filled with massage, cookies and kind words.  My space is something that he’s come to bask in.  A place that he longs for…

Carity of boundary- “My space boundary” is changing.  Now that he is not afraid to get too close to my bubble I need to make sure that I’m clear with him.  He needs to know very assuredly what is o.k. in my space and what is not.  He needs to know when I am inviting him and when he must wait. 

Respect- This word is borderline hilarious to me.  Some horse folks seem to hold this elusive concept as a diety while others disdain it and the word seems to stick in their mouth as venom drips out when they talk about how it does not exist.  Or they don’t believe in it.  Whatever.  What I mean by “respect” is that I want to develop a relationship and set a precedence with my horse that he is able to maintain a regard for me no matter the outside circumstance.  I want to know that when I set a limit of my space, it is important to him to maintain that limit.  I want to know that when we are in a tight spot on the trail, he is going to maintain his regard for me while I’m on his back and not forget that I’m up there and go off to do his own thing.

He needs to learn to accept correction.  He must allow me to send him out of my space. And he must maintain his regard or ‘respect’ for me.  All things that that require me to be better today than I was yesterday…  I need to be able to offer consistancy and clarity in a reliable and calm manner.  As strong as I need to be, as softly as I can.

This is really going to come into play in the next week.  You see, the last 2 times that I’ve moved Nez to a new place, he has had some stuff to work through.  I just started riding him again after his tough trailer ride and injury, on Tuesday.  We did some arena warm up and then I took him for a walk on the trail.  Yes, I walked.  Trying to keep his calm presence of mind… but we shall see.  I did get to mount with him standing still and while in the saddle, he was able to finally quiet his feet.  So I got off and we walked back. 

Next time I’ll get ouside the gates to the trail head and mount there.  And if we have to we’ll stay in that area.  My goal will be to discern the difference between when what he needs is quiet and when I need to occupy his mind to keep him busy.  And, yes, when he may need to be told no.  Or reminded that he CAN do something.  Hopefully we’ll be out on long trail rides again soon. 

I have to remind myself that God is patient with me.  He is patient with my fears, but not indulgent of them.  He is caring, loving, understanding, fair and STRONG.  I can never forget His strength…  it is what gives me the ability to trust Him when I am not sure of myself or my circumstances.  If I can have that kind of relationship with my horse, he will be able to look to me even when his confidence is wavering. 

Growing bolder is quite a process.

Well, I realized a few minutes ago that the last post, which I thought I had saved as a “draft” was actually originally published (unfinished!) back on the 4th.  I, of course, did not realize this until after I logged on to make some changes and republished it.  So, I guess I ought to write another post.

One that is a little less easy.  A little more personal. 

Yesterday was one of those days.  Those days that we don’t speak of.  A day that nothing really went wrong, but I felt cruddy anyway.  Couldn’t blame it on hormones.  Just every day life.

Communication issues.  Kids gone haywire.  Old dog “issues”…  Like how in the world does the turd actually STICK to his butt?  OMgoodness!!!  I nearly barfed cleaning it off.  A saddle that I thought was sold- well, it turned out the centerfire girthing didn’t work for her horse.  Dang- I was going to spend all that money on feed and wormer to last me the next 6 months!  A phone line that doesn’t work and WOW, the phone company will come right out to fix it… sometime between 8am and 7pm.  By the way, make sure someone is home.  WHAT?! 

Nothing major- just every day life.

Sometimes don’t you just want to cry or crawl back in bed?  Usually the thing that helps me recenter is spending some time with my horse… even if I’m just doing chores.  Praying, crying if I need to.  Just standing quietly and burrying my face in his neck.  But since I couldn’t leave the house waiting for AT&T, no horse time.  Finding a quiet spot in my house to pray and “shake it off” in next to impossible so I had to make due with what I had. 

Sigh. 

I know it won’t last.  This morning I’m up and at ‘em at 5:00, had coffee & showered… breakfast made and dinner in the crock pot…  Pumpkin candles burning, laundry in the dryer, all beds are made…  Started homeschooling and it’s not even 9:00.  The house is fairly quiet (for my house anyway) and today is a new day.  Sometimes when I feel discouraged I just have to rest in that.  That today is a new day. 

Maybe it will be harder than the last, maybe easier.  Maybe even the same.  But it is new…  And if it sucks, it will be over soon enough, lol. 

As I look back through the archives here, I am reminded that I’ve written about this before.  Not something new, changing of the seasons, but still worth taking a moment to reflect. 

With the cooler air comes a change in my horsie life as well.  We’ve been almost 2 weeks at a new facility.  A small, privately owned placed with a lovely barn, plenty of wash racks, super tidy tack room and RIGHT on the best local trails available. 

Our leased horse went home, hubby already misses him and keeps asking if we could lease him again in the future- if things worked out that way.  He’ll be riding a quarter horse now, that already lives at our new boarding facility.  I think it will work out well… 

My sweet Nez had a stressfull trip to his new home.  There was some rocking in the trailer as we left the driveway.  Didn’t think it was him, since he’s always been so quiet in the trailer.  Off and on he was making a ruckus on the way there and on the long ride home. 

By the time we reached our destination, he was pretty banged up and so was my dear friend’s trailer.  Ugh.  I was in shock a little…  Poor boy.  And poor trailer.  And how in the world is there some random thing that happens EVERY month that ends up costing me a few hundred dollars?! 

I let him turn around in the trailer and he let out a low nicker as he walked out.  (Ah, so glad to be out!)  He calmly stood tied waiting for me to get my bearings and was a trooper to be hosed off. 

I cleaned off his wounds and applied some Well-Horse.  Thank GOD my friend’s hubby had a sample in his truck…  And thank GOD it’s a spray on application!!!  One of Nez’s wounds is on his hind leg and I was pretty sure I was going to have to get creative to find a way to get medication applied without endangering my life.  Or at least needing a helmet, lol.  It didn’t appear to sting at ALL.  I’m buying a bottle the next time I go to the feed store!

Once he was dried off, I walked him to his new pasture- which he walked right in without hesitation.  I turned him loose and put his supplements in his bucket.  The other horses looked inquisitively at the “new guy” but no ruckus.  Nez ate a few bites, went to roll, came back for a few more bites.  Had a drink.  Visted quietly with the other horses through the fence, finished off his yummies.  Had another roll. 

The first day there he even took cookies from the barn owner!  AND let her scratch his withers!  HUGE for Nez.   He’s blossoming into the horse that he’s wanted to be.  You could always see it in his eyes- that he wanted to be a pocket pony but just couldn’t bring himself to let go of his baggage. 

He’s happy and mellow, he’s enjoyed our walks down the road to the trail head and seemed raring to go out when I rode him for about 5 minutes before this rain hit.  He’s still a little off, so more rest this week.  I’ll take him out on a trail ride next week.  Not only happy and mellow, he’s also following me around the pasture!!!  He comes to meet me and nickers the entire time he watches me walk from my car to his pasture :~) 

So, here we are, fall heavy upon us.  Chill in the air.  And I find myself at a new boarding location.  One that I didn’t expect to find myself in, but here we are… with a barn and winter shelters and closer to home.  Fancy that.  Only one horse to feed through the winter.  And I think I might have enough hay in the barn to last just that long…  Friends for my kids to play with at the new place, a friend for me to talk to and ride with, too.  I think I’m going to enjoy this next chapter of life just fine :~)

And so will my spotty pony.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve hit a road block.  I’m up against it and don’t quite know where to go or what step comes next.

My appy has gone from a squirty unsure ball of anxiety to a mellow fella that I can trust with my kids.  I went on a trail ride last Friday and it was our duty to be the “bomb proof old timers”.   This alone was a lot of pressure for me, lol. 

We got out to the trail head and it started with Nez not being able to keep his feet still after I was in the saddle.  He knew where the trail went and he was ready to GO. 

He was immediately frustrated by my asking him to slow down… he’d stop, then GO.  I decided that it might be better for him to follow, if the other horse was ok with it.  I thought that would help him to see that the other horse was setting the pace, not him.

Well that frustrated him too.  After a while, he finally got the picture and climbed out of the other appy’s butt… lowered his head and relaxed on a nice loopy long rein. 

I thought, “ah- finally.”  Then we got back in front, and away he wanted to go again.  Um, back to following. 

The ride ended just fine.  Better than fine for my bestie (as my 15 year old says it) and her appy… He was the picture perfect trail horse.  No nerves at all and even a little, er, um, SLOW!  It was a fantastic ride.

But I was left frustrated by Nez’ uncovering of a very clear area that I had completely missed in our working together!  Darn it.  Those horses always do that to us!

So back a few steps we go… gotta find that hole.

(Here’s where I finally start to get to my point)

I didn’t really know where to start.  Yesterday we saddled up and I just stared at him for a minute, praying and hoping that a plan would fall into my lap, because I sure as heck didn’t have one.  We’re certainly on the same page in the arena and I don’t think it’s all his problem when we’re “out”.  In fact, when I analyze how we ride when we’re out, it’s my problem for SURE.  I allow him to set the pace.  He’s eager and ears pricked forward, ready to see what’s around the next bend or over the hill.  I admit, I like that about him. 

What I hadn’t considered is that it’s a lot of responsibility for him to make those choices… probably too much.  That’s not consistant on my part, since most of our time in the arena is spent with me deciding not only which gait, but also the speed within it. 

O.k.  So maybe I had a starting point figured out.  The problem- me giving him too much responsibility.  Where I was pretty clueless was how to communicate to him that I was sorry about that, and I’ll do my best to handle myself the same in or out of the arena.

All I could do was fall back on the few truths that I know.  I know where he’ll assume that it’s his job to set the pace.  I know how to shut it down and tell him, that’s not what I want.  And I know how to reward his tries in the right direction.

HOWEVER, the hardest part for me was not being able to see it all lining up in my mind in a way that would actually WORK.  Do you ever feel discouraged and feeble?  That was me.  Sitting in the saddle.  Getting off.  Leading him.  Getting back on.  Riding through a tight spot, him getting too forward.  Him getting worried because he couldn’t figure out why I was doing things so differently today.  Frustrated because he was trying to figure out what the heck I wanted.  There was this voice in the back of my head going, “You dummy.  You’re always making it up on the fly.  How is this EVER going to help him?”

I didn’t know, for sure.  At one point I wanted to get off and quit.  Call someone and ask them for the magic answer in a neat little package.  But, I fell back on one of my key Truths- quit on a good note.  Always.  Quit when they get it right, even if it’s an accident. 

Another of my Truths is that when a horse doesn’t understand something, it’s likely ME that isn’t being clear.  So I fell back on that Truth as well and really concentrated on me and what I was telling him.  I kept it as simple as I could…  Walk.  Stop.  Turn.  Good boy.  Na ah.  (I don’t know how to spell that weird no-no sound that I make, lol)

So yesterday I operated on the Truths that I KNOW and threw out the things I’m “pretty sure of” and the  nagging voice in the back of my mind.

We quit as soon as he walked calmly through a high pressure path.  He had no idea why we quit… I could tell.  He looked at me like he knew he had done SOMETHING, because after all, got off, praised him and loosened his girth.  But he had the strangest look on his face- he didn’t know WHAT that something was. 

Oh well, my Truth said to quit so darn it, I quit.

I left feeling a little frustrated still and unsure of if anything we had done helped at all or was just a waste of our time.

Today, round 2 of “Pokie Pony”.  Starting in the arena, where everything clicks.  Walking out the gate, where he speeds up and shifts into the next gear.  Stop.  When he’s quiet, we head back in.  I played like this for a while with his imaginary line… gradually, his threshold was further out the gate, but it didn’t seem to help anything “click”.  So, we went out one gate, around a little trail and back in another gate.  No turning around.  No setting his own pace.  And when we were in the arena, we trotted, went over poles and WORKED. 

We just kept this routine until he was offering and seeking to go out of the arena.  Ah ha- he found a release and relaxation OUT of the arena.  Click 1. 

As I studied myself when we were out, I realized that I ride with more pressure in my stirrups than I do inside.  A lot of my time in the arena is spent without my feet in the stirrups at all and when we went out, I’m sure he could instantly feel it.  So, knock it off!  I quit doing that and he relaxed even more when we were out.  Click 2.

We were almost there.  Not to trail riding zen, but to the place where he was understanding what I was trying to tell him.  There was something that was holding my clarity back.  So we just kept going and I kept trying to find that last piece to the puzzle.

His breathing.  I noticed that his breathing changed when he had those moments of unsuredness. 

MY BREATHING!  It must be MY breathing.  Yep.  I was nearly holding it.  When I concentrated on breathing regularly, rhythmically and deeply, Click 3.   Quite walking, head low, relaxed and we were both breathing.

Quit for the day!   I praised him, he stopped and looked at me as if to say ”I did it, hop off”.  He knew exactly what it was and looked quite satisfied.  I think it was both that he was pleased with himself for having “got it”, but also with my FINALLY being clear.  My riding had made things very fuzzy for him and now he’d finally gotten me to see that I needed to get a better handle on a new Truth.

It was an awesome day for me-  I love when I can learn something new from a horse.  God really has a way of using them to show me more clearly His Truths… about me, relationships, the world around me.  Yesterday I felt a fog around the problem… all I could do was fall back on the things that I was certain of.  Keep moving one step at a time through the fog.  Today I was lucky enough to see the fruit of walking in those truths. 

And I learned a new one.  Truth is not just things that are known in my mind.  If it stops there, something is missing.  Truth is breathed into me and I can’t hold that in.  That breath has to be able to flow freely.   Softly.  It can’t be just my hands that are soft.  My seat that is soft.  My legs that are soft.  Even when I had all those finally lined up, something was missing.  Even the breath within me must be soft. 

It was a good day. 

Well, today I found out something that I am relieved to know.  I still know how to fall off.

Not with grace or flair, though unfortunately there was no video footage to prove what a fool I must have looked like.  But at least God gave me that bionic moment when time slows down.  As I sat astride my mount, both calm and relaxed I had no idea what was about to happen, and appearantly, neither did she.

I must have broken an agreement that we made- I just didn’t know it.  You see, she’d given me permission over the last couple of weeks to do the things I asked of her.  Not all at once.  But slowly, we worked together and filled in a few holes… a few scary monsters that she thought were under the bed simply weren’t there. 

Now that isn’t a phrase or way of looking at things that I came up with- a much better horsewoman than I used those words and something about it really stuck for me.  The thing about helping someone to know (to REALLY know, not just take your word for it) that there is no monster is to get down on the floor with them and peek.

I had no idea I’d be getting down on the floor so swiftly or with such force.  lol

Truth be told, I used to be a “ride it out” kind of gal.  I still usually am, but there are a few things that I’d gladly bale instead of do- one is to go full speed on a frantic horse toward a corner of pipe panels.  I just wasn’t sure she could think her way out of it without me crashing into the rails so I quickly went over my tried-and-true steps to a rapid dismount… feet out of stirrups, pick a side, tuck and roll baby!

Sand in every part of my attire and my eyes…  I’m sure I’ll be finding more in the morning.

The mare calmed right down, turned around and looked at me like “why aren’t you running too?!” and when she saw me laughing she just sighed and started towards me.  Silly mare.  Sillly me.

Deep sand (and the angels that were likely huffing and puffing trying to get my big girl self to the ground softly) kept me from hurting my body and, well, I have no pride to hurt so that’s good.  I already thought I was a mediocre horsewoman, so no new news on that front  ;~)

We walked over to the mounting block and I just sat and petted her.  What had I missed?  I MUST have missed the part where she said, I don’t give you permission for THIS.  I must have missed a monster somewhere along the way.  I thought she was telling me she was ready for a little more- but clearly I was wrong.  I guess today she taught me that being comfortable with what you’re doing is entirely different than being ready for something more.

So as I go over and over in my mind, wondering how I could have done a better job of helping her today and ways that I can do a better job of it tomorrow I come up with a few things.

First, what she can do:  She already knew how to do a ton of ground work.  She can stand calmly without being tied to be groomed and tacked up.  She can stand in the arena where I park her and wait for me to come back.  She can follow me around without the lead rope if I click to her (that’s our signal for move your feet :~)  She can walk with me when I stand behind her shoulder and touch her as we walk (which was pretty big for her).  She can slowly and deliberately park herself at the mounting block (also a biggie).  She can stand quietly and calmly for me to get into the saddle (HUGE).  She can remain calm for me to move around, bend, shuffle my legs, pet her.  (This is probably an area that I think she’s ok, but maybe she’s really whispering that she’s not).

She’s a good girl and has a lot of try.

What she CAN’T do right now:  Even THINK about moving her feet while I’m up on her back. 

Well, there’s huge list of things that she can do.  Only one on the can’t list.  That’s one heck of a mare.  The tricky part is that the one thing she can’t do is a pretty key part of riding, as I so ”Tim-the-toolman-esque” illustrated today.  No cowgirl fanny in the saddle = not actually riding at all. 

Sigh.  She told me “no, this is not ok” as soon as I thought about moving and said outloud “do you want to think about walking?”  I had about 3 seconds that I could have slipped off right then, but I didn’t think there would be much more than a scoot and I’d just “help” her through it.  Um, horse whisperer fail.  So I apologized to her.  I meant her no wrong doing so hopefully she won’t hold it against me. 

I wonder how many times God has walked with me through something, slowly showing me there really isn’t a monster under the bed.  Sure, for a lot of us and for this mare too- there once was really something under the bed that scared us in the first place.  Usually rightly so.  But the thing with monsters is that whatever it is, it doesn’t hide under EVERY bed for the rest of our lives. 

We have to be willing to take that peek, with an open mind.  Snort at it, take a friend if we need to, shine the light in the corners just to be sure.  We have to get to the place that we are willing to accept what the reality of living in a home with no monsters would look like.  Maybe the monster has become an old friend- one that scares us, but is familiar all the same.  Maybe the old monster that is no longer there just turns into a new monster when some weird lady falls off of your back.  Sorry, I guess that analogy didn’t fully form :~) 

But sometimes things that we’re going through in the present moment aren’t really as upsetting as they seem.  Sometimes we have a reaction that is a 13 on a scale of 1-10 and it really only warrants a 3.  But just the thought of that old monster is enough to send us over the edge.

So, for this mare, I need to take a few steps back, ask more questions and listen more closely.  I need to help her hunt down the monster that she is certain lives just above her back and show her that it’s not a monster at all… probably just the shadows and the wind.  :~)

Probably going to need to enlist the help of a pro for this.

Then, I need to help her understand that not every person will fly off at high speed.  Dang it.  Extreme Cowgirl competition, eh?  I stand by my original goal of staying in the saddle for the entire ride!

  Look where you want to go.

Gosh I wish I didn’t have to try so hard to remember that.  Don’t look down.  Don’t look at the ground when I’m walking, don’t look at my horse’s shoulder when I’m riding. 

I was reminded by my husband (who is becoming a very adept beginner rider) that people do it when they’re driving too. Someone driving behind us, anxious to get around on our winding country roads.  Too bad they didn’t pay any attention to the fact that there were at least 10 cars ahead of us and getting around us didn’t help them in the tiniest way. 

As I wondered at the idea of squirming in between 2 other cars for no particular reason and the energy that it must take to live that way, hubby said “it’s because they’re looking down”.  I didin’t know what he meant by that, so he expanded.  “It’s like when you’re riding and you are looking where you want to go.  If you’re looking down, that’s all you can think about.  Your whole world becomes right there in front of you and you lose sight of the big picture.  If you’re looking where you are supposed to, some things that might have seemed like a big deal just aren’t as important anymore because your perspective is different.”

Wow.

I am going to purpose to go through my ENTIRE day looking up- where I want to go.  That means a lot of things for me.  It means keeping a more heavenly perspective on my day in general.  It means keeping my focus of each homeschooling lesson on the big picture of the entire lesson and not getting “stuck” in one tiny part of it.  It means NOT looking down when I’m riding, lol.  I still have to remind myself that constantly, no matter how many times I’ve had instructors holler it at me.  But it also means that my focus needs to be on the bigger picture of not only the day’s work, but the vision that I have for that horse and where I’d eventually like to go with them. 

Hmmm.  A lot of pondering to do still.  How often have I been stuck and anxious because I was looking down?  Way to often to count.  But today, in this moment, I’m going to look up and where I’m going.