When Good is Good Enough.
I am not a perfectionist. I do often secretly wish I were, though.
I love clean floors, bathrooms that smell great. I love creases in jeans (I know, I’m such a hill billy) and t-shirts that have been hung on hangers and have no creases at all. I love lists and the checkmarks that go on them when a task is finished.
I secretly love to make lists that are like “to do” lists in reverse… “already done” lists. You see, I can rarely complete everything on a “to do” list and they make me feel overwhelmed and inadequate. So I make lists of things I’ve done and then put a check mark by it. At the end of the day, when I am exhausted and feel like I’ve been spinning my wheels without actually accomplishing anything, my “already done” lists remind me that I’ve done everything on my list :~)
Today was rainy and cold. A good day for jammies. Since my gelding isn’t in a stall anymore I didn’t need to go the barn for mucking and turnout so I elected to stay in those comfy jammies and enjoy the tail end of winter.
I had a lot of things to catch up on. Seems like I always do. Sometimes I feel as though I live in a world of perpetual tardiness. Is that a word? Tomorrow is our meeting with our E.S. (education specialist). She’s our assigned “teacher” for the charter that we homeschool through. She is patient and kind- answers our questions, orders our materials, arranges for fun classes for the kids. She talks me down when I feel like I can’t possibly take another 24 hour period with my children, lol.
Today I needed to get our previous month’s schoolwork in order for her arrival. I also needed to bake another loaf of bread. And sweep the kitchen floor. Fold laundry. Make breakfast, lunch and dinner. Help get today’s schoolwork done. (Fractions are a blast for my 2nd grader!)
My 3 year old is busy. Not just average busy- jump off of high furniture, climb onto the counter when I turn around, go through all of the junk drawers, dig through the laundry, let the dog in the house, spread a deck of playing cards around the entire living room kind of busy.
Today he broke my heart with both undescribable joy- the kind that squeezes tears directly from your inner core- and guilt. I think they’re squeezed from the same place, actually.
He brought me a baseball glove and we played catch in the kitchen while I cooked. And cleaned. And put away the dishes. Then he switched it up and we played a game of bowling in the kitchen. While I did paperwork, planned next month’s work and made phone calls to rearrange my schedule.
He played “cooking pancakes” with a plastic pan on his play kitchen set in the kitchen. He flipped his pretend felt pancake PERFECTLY. Mom watch. Mom watch. Mom watch. Mom, you wanna try? Mom, you wanna try? Mom, you wanna try? Mom watch.
Sigh.
I just tucked him into bed for the night. It’s only 7:30 but he was exhausted from running and playing, reading and drawing, laughing and chasing all day long. His big brother helps to keep him busy, learning together and having a blast. I laid there next to him all snuggled up on this cold evening… listening to the rain on the roof. Watching his little cheeks in the glow from the night light. Wondering.
Wondering.
There were a few moments today where I put everything aside and just focused on him. I try very hard to do that with each of them throughout the day. For each child that looks dramatically different. But for this little man, I wondered if half my attention was really good enough.
The fact of the matter is that I cannot fully devote my attention in each moment to only one thing, all day long. Most of my day will be multi-tasked if I will have anything to add to my “already done” list. And with children, there is no way to even get one meal cooked if I can’t multi-task.
In fact, most of my “one on one” time with each child is done while doing something together- cooking a meal (yes, you can crack the eggs… here, let me show you how) or in the garden (I’d love to have some help. Would you like the job to turn the soil in the corn patch?) or watching the news… yes, my 7 year old loves Good Day Sacramento in the morning. He feels so mature to know what the weather forecast is, lol.
I have worked a LOT on my focus in the last couple of years. My horses have shown me many times how my own inattention translates to their inattention. But right now, tonight on this dark rainy night, I’m cutting myself some slack. Today was Good. Real good. I finished everything on my list. I’m ready for my meeting tomorrow. My schdule is ironed out. Laundry is all done. Everyone ate. Life is good, and finally, good really is good enough for me.
100% focus is great. Those moments of zen-like existance when everything else ceases to exist except that which you are doing at that very moment in time. But my psuedo-wanna-be-perfectionist has to let go of that idea for real life.
Every day life is not made up entirely of perfection. Instead, we get to enjoy those moments in the same way that we do a perfect slice of cheesecake. Or a fresh mojito on a Saturday night. Or whatever those delightful, special moments that tickle your funny bone are. If life were the way we always wish it was, we would stop cherishing those moments as much. They just wouldn’t be so special. It would be everyday and average… the norm.
Nope. I don’t want that. Yes, I have to let go a little and really be o.k. with the fact that sometimes my best is 50%. But I’ll keep looking forward to those little zen-like moments when it’s just me and ___________.
Me and my hubby.
Me and my child.
Me and my horse.
Me and my cheesecake. And my mojito. (Well, I can multi-task that and still have perfection, lol)
And one day, I won’t have to worry about it because it will be me and my God. What a relief. I can’t keep worrying about all these things forever, can I? ;~)