I just stumbled on this post that I wrote last spring…  LOL!!!  Nez has been shedding like this for the last couple weeks and I find it hilarious to look back on last year’s shedding escapade!  And it also makes me miss Pete… sigh.  He’s off to a “real job” now though.  http://www.littlewindsege.com/index.html  If you browse around the site, you’ll see pics of his pretty black mug… Happy horse!

__________________ Spring 2009___________________

First, this picture is NOT from today.  It is to remind me that my appy has spots and no, he’s not a yak.

I am learning the “be carefull what you wish for” saying also applies to shedding horses.  (A while back I blogged, praying for shedding… Thanks to this new level of uber-shedding that has been unleashed, today the pile of hair looked like a dead animal.)

So here is my old cowboy horse, all slick and you can see his pretty buckskin/palomino spots.  Soon.  Soon.

Today I packed up a picnic lunch for the kids and they played & napped while I spent a little quiet time with the horses.  MUCH needed quiet time.  No baby on my back.  No trips to potty.  The phone didn’t even ring.

First I curried Pete the Percheron.  His weight looks really good and I’m looking forward to seeing how he develops this year with some excercise.  I’m hopefull that lots of work over poles will help him have a big beautiful butt! 

He loves to be able to just relax and be brushed.  Today he kept bending his neck around, staring at me with remnants of is wet mash all over his face (even between his eyes!).  He kept resting his lips on me.  Then he’d let out a big sigh.  I picked out his feet and he was such a good boy, I remembered when I brought him home a year and a half ago and how much work went into getting him to let me pick out one foot.  He’s come so far and today, just “being” with him I really had a chance to appreciate him.

Then came Cowboy.  (I’m toying with a new name for Nez, lol.  More about that later.)  I have NEVER seen a horse with SO much hair.  I’ve finally removed most of the dreads.  One by one I gently pulled and brushed until it was loose.  He would lick and chew and sigh.  I would massage the spot that it came from and his eyes would close, turning his head slightly toward me. 

Then I curried.  And I curried.  And I brushed.  And I curried.  I was covered head to toe, including long white hair up my nose.  And that sums up one side of his neck.  Then repeat for the rest of that side and repeat all over on the other side of his body! 

Seriously, when I was done, I was no where near finished.  There was still loose hair ALL over him!  But I raked up all the hair and since it was enough to be the size of a medium sized dog, I stopped.  That’s enough for one day.

As I groomed and loved on them I thought of how often God pays that kind of attention to me.  When I’ve been weary from the storms in my life…  Maybe I’ve felt a little neglected…  He just hangs with me.  Spending special attention to all of the matted-hair type areas of my life.  The little snags that have been causing me grief- he removes them and I feel relief.  As the sun beat down on us and we soaked it up together I was grateful for the quiet moments when God ministers to me, cares for me as His own.  And grateful for the time that He’s given me to reflect with these lovely ponies. 

I am thankful for the time that I had today to be still and know.  And it seemed that each of the horses also had their own moment of appreciating the stillness between us.  Oh I love those beasts!

Sorry, but I have to brag. 

Late in the night, kids are in bed and I sit on my bed in front of the fireplace with my laptop.  Of course, I’m on the Bay Area Equestrian Network message board :~) 

I look through the ”barter” board, looking (again) for a black saddle pad.  No luck.  I look at craigslist.  No luck there. 

I found a cheap wool pad that can be used as a liner a few months ago… about $40 and it’s 3/4″ thick.  Right measurements so I figure I’ll go ahead and try to figure out where I found it the last time.  (I have 2 saddle pads now, but niether match the rest of my tack and niether fit just right. 

You’ll not guess what I found.  It doesn’t matter how GREAT a guesser you are- it’s almost too good to be true. 

www.Horse.com had the SMX Prof choice saddle pad http://www.horse.com/item/smx-all-ride-all-round-saddle-pad/SLT900742/ for $39!!!   

I needed a black pad, not too thick/not too thin with a lot of contour for my dippy back appy.  OMgosh~  THE PERFECT deal fell into my lap!

Normally I’d wait at least 24 hours before buying anything.  ANYthing.  Because I’m prone to making late night purchases that I wouldn’t have made in the light of day.  I left it in my cart for about 20 minutes, trying to decide.  Then I broke out my debit card and paid for that sucker before the kind folks at Horse.com changed their minds!

I was on an “I-just-saved-almost-100-bucks” high and then I realised I couldn’t keep it to myself, so I ran back over to the BAEN chat board and posted the link a.s.a.p. 

Guess what?  I think one or two people got the deal and then, whatever discount faiery had come and sprinkled us with savings dust had vanished… the pads are still on sale at only $99 (which is REALLY good, even at Smith Brothers they are about $20 more). 

Can’t wait to try mine out- But I’m pretty confident it’s going to be great!  Now run over there and grab one while they’re less than $100.  Shipping is super cheap, too!!!!

I am not a perfectionist.  I do often secretly wish I were, though. 

I love clean floors, bathrooms that smell great.  I love creases in jeans (I know, I’m such a hill billy) and t-shirts that have been hung on hangers and have no creases at all.  I love lists and the checkmarks that go on them when a task is finished. 

I secretly love to make lists that are like “to do” lists in reverse… “already done” lists.  You see, I can rarely complete everything on a “to do” list and they make me feel overwhelmed and inadequate.  So I make lists of things I’ve done and then put a check mark by it.  At the end of the day, when I am exhausted and feel like I’ve been spinning my wheels without actually accomplishing anything, my “already done” lists remind me that I’ve done everything on my list :~)

Today was rainy and cold.  A good day for jammies.  Since my gelding isn’t in a stall anymore I didn’t need to go the barn for mucking and turnout so I elected to stay in those comfy jammies and enjoy the tail end of winter.

I had a lot of things to catch up on.  Seems like I always do.  Sometimes I feel as though I live in a world of perpetual tardiness.  Is that a word?  Tomorrow is our meeting with our E.S. (education specialist).  She’s our assigned “teacher” for the charter that we homeschool through.  She is patient and kind- answers our questions, orders our materials, arranges for fun classes for the kids.  She talks me down when I feel like I can’t possibly take another 24 hour period with my children, lol. 

Today I needed to get our previous month’s schoolwork in order for her arrival.  I also needed to bake another loaf of bread.  And sweep the kitchen floor.  Fold laundry.  Make breakfast, lunch and dinner.  Help get today’s schoolwork done.  (Fractions are a blast for my 2nd grader!) 

My 3 year old is busy.  Not just average busy- jump off of high furniture, climb onto the counter when I turn around, go through all of the junk drawers, dig through the laundry, let the dog in the house, spread a deck of playing cards around the entire living room kind of busy. 

Today he broke my heart with both undescribable joy- the kind that squeezes tears directly from your inner core- and guilt.  I think they’re squeezed from the same place, actually.

He brought me a baseball glove and we played catch in the kitchen while I cooked.  And cleaned.  And put away the dishes.  Then he switched it up and we played a game of bowling in the kitchen.  While I did paperwork, planned next month’s work and made phone calls to rearrange my schedule.

He played “cooking pancakes” with a plastic pan on his play kitchen set in the kitchen.  He flipped his pretend felt pancake PERFECTLY.  Mom watch.  Mom watch.  Mom watch.  Mom, you wanna try?  Mom, you wanna try?  Mom, you wanna try?  Mom watch.

Sigh.

I just tucked him into bed for the night.  It’s only 7:30 but he was exhausted from running and playing, reading and drawing, laughing and chasing all day long.  His big brother helps to keep him busy, learning together and having a blast.  I laid there next to him all snuggled up on this cold evening… listening to the rain on the roof.  Watching his little cheeks in the glow from the night light.  Wondering.

Wondering.

There were a few moments today where I put everything aside and just focused on him.  I try very hard to do that with each of them throughout the day.  For each child that looks dramatically different.  But for this little man, I wondered if half my attention was really good enough.

The fact of the matter is that I cannot fully devote my attention in each moment to only one thing, all day long.  Most of my day will be multi-tasked if I will have anything to add to my “already done” list.  And with children, there is no way to even get one meal cooked if I can’t multi-task.

In fact, most of my “one on one” time with each child is done while doing something together- cooking a meal (yes, you can crack the eggs… here, let me show you how) or in the garden (I’d love to have some help.  Would you like the job to turn the soil in the corn patch?) or watching the news… yes, my 7 year old loves Good Day Sacramento in the morning.  He feels so mature to know what the weather forecast is, lol. 

I have worked a LOT on my focus in the last couple of years.  My horses have shown me many times how my own inattention translates to their inattention.  But right now, tonight on this dark rainy night, I’m cutting myself some slack.  Today was Good.  Real good.  I finished everything on my list.  I’m ready for my meeting tomorrow.  My schdule is ironed out.  Laundry is all done.  Everyone ate.  Life is good, and finally, good really is good enough for me.

100% focus is great.   Those moments of zen-like existance when everything else ceases to exist except that which you are doing at that very moment in time.   But my psuedo-wanna-be-perfectionist has to let go of that idea for real life. 

Every day life is not made up entirely of perfection.  Instead, we get to enjoy those moments in the same way that we do a perfect slice of cheesecake.  Or a fresh mojito on a Saturday night.  Or whatever those delightful, special moments that tickle your funny bone are.  If life were the way we always wish it was, we would stop cherishing those moments as much.  They just wouldn’t be so special.  It would be everyday and average… the norm. 

Nope.  I don’t want that.  Yes, I have to let go a little and really be o.k. with the fact that sometimes my best is 50%.  But I’ll keep looking forward to those little zen-like moments when it’s just me and ___________.

Me and my hubby.

Me and my child.

Me and my horse.

Me and my cheesecake.  And my mojito.  (Well, I can multi-task that and still have perfection, lol)

And one day, I won’t have to worry about it because it will be me and my God.  What a relief.  I can’t keep worrying about all these things forever, can I?  ;~)

Never.

I’m a big girl, I can can handle life.  But boy oh boy is it coming at me fast and furious. 

That’s how us cowgirl folk are…  right?  We get up early and get to the business of life.  Schooling our kids, baking & cookin’ up beans.  Gardening, laundry, tending to the critters.  Mucking stalls, running to the feed store.  Helping a friend, helping a stranger.  And, if we scrape up a few minutes, we clean a small portion of the house.  The smallest amount we can get away with, lol. 

In fact, I’ll sweep the barn isle every day with a grin on my face but heaven forbid I sweep my kitchen more than once a week without trying not to cuss under my breath.  (Hey, I’m just being real here.)

Today was a catch up day.  We had to get caught up on my 2nd grader’s math.  Had to get some seeds in the ground that we sprouted last week.  Got a bunch of pots ready for starting more seeds in the house tomorrow.  2 fresh loaves of bread on the counter.  Chocolate muffins and blueberry drop biscuits in the freezer.   My own brand of “instant oatmeal” in little zip bags.  Huge jars of chilli beans and chicken stew in the fridge.  Cornbread and ortega muffins in a zip lock bag.  Smoked sausage in marinara sauce all wrapped up and ready for an italian meal later this week.

Whew.

Laundry is just about caught up- just need to fold a few loads.  That will be my “me” time, lol.  I’ll get to sit down for a minute!

And to top it all off I had this bright idea to enroll in an Equine Anatomy class.  Sounded like a good idea at 10:00 the other night.  I woke up yesterday morning to loads of documents to print out, lots of reading to do and homework assignments that are making me feel uber-stupid. 

And yes, uber-stupid is a word.

Luckily, us cowgirl types don’t simply bite off more than we can chew and then just cry about it.  We get up, dust off our jeans and kick some butt. 

This week’s meals are DONE.  Just heat and serve.  (Cooking’s butt kicked)

Homeschool caught up.  (Another butt kicked.)

Laundry- yep, also kicked.

And Equine Anatomy- prepare to get a whoopin’.  Right after I scoop manure, finish the laundry, eat tacos and put the boys to bed.  THEN, you’ll get yours.  Now where did I put those flash cards?

I got a new saddle for Christmas.  A fabulous gift!!!  Cheap, yes.  (O.K. if you know me, you know that “cheap” to me is a badge of honor, not something that I think is demeaning, lol) It fits my horse WONDERFULLY!  No more slippage when I mount from the ground.  He’s taking up hills without trying to trot, just puts his head down and works! 

And it feels like it was made for me- my leg hangs just right, the seat is the perfect size and it’s cushy like a couch. 

It came with a new, matching breast collar…  I love it, but it’s a typical western breast collar that doesn’t fall in line with Nez’ shoulder.  So I get online and look for a wither strap so that I can get it to fit like my old endurance style breast collar.  Which does not match my new tack and I may be a redneck, but I am a redneck GIRL, so I still like to match!

Do you know what those suckers cost?!  Like at least 60 bucks.  Plus waiting around for shipping.  No thanks, I’ll just raid my office, lol.  1 strip of nice soft, thick nylon strapping- check.  2 conway buckles- check.  Trigger snap- check.  Big nail and a lighter- check. 

I now have a beautiful, soft nylon wither strap that looks great and makes the breast collar fit exactly like I want it too.  So I figure I just gave myself a $60 coupon, lol.

I was feeling a redneck girl’s kind of high on that little piece of home made equipment so I decided to make a few other goodies.  Saved myself another $24 with a few pieces of 1/4 inch felt and velcro, by the way.

My next project will be changing out the conchos on my saddle to stars (so they match my bridle, of course!) I think while I’m doing it, I’ll add some D rings that I have so that I can tie things on.  Woo hoo! 

So my question is this- what is the most redneck thing that you’ve done (that worked out WELL).  No, I don’t want to know about the trash burried on the back 40, the burned out car that you “salvaged” to drive when you were in high school or your cousin and his drunken horseback ride that ended in someone getting shot with a bb gun in the eye. 

If you have some cool tips/tricks that I can pass on in my next newsletter, I’ll send you a $5 gift certificate as my thank you! 

As the saying goes… “opinions are like ___ holes, everyone has one”.

That is the most prevalant feeling that I have right now.  And what was this sparked by?  An innocent post on facebook of all places, lol.  A friend of mine posted a video link of a dressage ride.  The new record.  I posted to her that it was the best dressage ride I’ve seen at that competetive level in a LONG time.  Probably ever.

Then a few other friends have posted the same video.  To which I find people tearing it down.

Do I think that I am watching the essence of perfection unfold before my eyes as I watch this ride?  No.  

I do note that a LOT of high level dressage competition that I’ve watched lately is FULL of hollow backs when collection is desired, mouths are gaping and foaming (even when wrenched closed with a flash) and the horses in general look like every inch of their bodies are doing their best to escape the person on their back while completing the task at hand.  I’m talking about world reknowned riders here, not backyard DQ’s. 

This ride did NOT look that way to me.  Sure, there were moments when the horse did not look like he was one with the force.  Like he had moments of irritation.  He was behind the verticle more than I’d like.  Also there were quite a few moments of just utter concentration and darned hard work going on!   That was no easy ride!!!

Dressage isn’t my style.  It’s too micro-managing.  It’s too foo-foo.  It’s too a LOT of things for me.  But do I see the beauty in it?  Absolutely. 

Speaking of absolute- the point that I simply MUST make right this very moment before I implode on myself like a dying star is this:  There is no absolute when it comes to horsemanship.

Period.

I’ve had lots of folks tell me lots of things.  I have friends on EVERY end of the spectrum.  Worked with/know trainers from the very old school cowboy way, to the modern day version of “cowboying” (which is usually more akin to being a class-a jerk) to folks that let fluttery bull pucky float past their teeth that would have none of us ever ride our horses because we just ain’t ever gonna be good enough.  We can’t ever ride that perfect ride of zen-like communication where we are not “abusing” our horse by not being perfectly clear with our intent. 

Well crap.  If I listen to them, I should never ride and instead bow down to Horse like a diety.  The almighty perfect creation with whom I do not deserve to clean the hooves of.  Or pay the vet bills of.  Or pay their feed bill before I even buy my own groceries (which I do, by the way). 

No.  No, I will not fall victim to one end of the spectrum or the other.  NO.

Do I strive for perfection in my communication and relationship with my horse.  Sorry.  The answer is still no.  Not be crass, but I don’t strive for perfection in my marriage for goodness sake.  Or any other HUMAN relationship.

I do strive to be better today than I was yesterday.  Most of the time I can pull that off.  Though not always. 

I do strive to apologize when I hold fault… in fact, I am sure most neighbors or passers by have heard me apologizing to my horse on many occasion when we are working on something.  Not because I am “not worthy”.  Not because I think the horse better than I.  But because I do understand that a LOT of our issues are legitimatly my doing…  not being clear, not having the right answer for what he needs.  Asking him to do more than what he can offer.

Heck, I’m not a very good rider anyway.  I’m lucky I stay on, especially with my propensity to sit forward all the time.  Dang it.  Pockets.  Pockets.

Woops, back to topic.  Do I think I’m abusing my horse?  Not at all.  In fact, I’m not ashamed to tell you he’s darned lucky to have me.  Yep.  That’s right…  He’s well fed.  Couldn’t be fed much better.  He receives all the care, attention and whatever else a horse could need or want.  Regular worming, hoof care, (cleaned and treated at least 4-5 times a week- can you say that about your horse?)  Low sugar treats on occassion.  Lots of grooming, massage, stretching.  Buddies in his pasture that don’t give him the beat down.  And he’ll be with me for his last breath, Lord willing. 

I just don’t know how some people can stand themselves.  How high-and-mighty can a person be without feeling that the weight of the whole world is on their shoulders?

I’m not perfect and I never will be.  I don’t expect other folks to be perfect either.  I don’t expect that if you and I ride together we’ll have all the same viewpoints on everything horse related.  And I don’t expect that all of my opinions are right and you’re the one that’s misinformed.  Or that you’re “abusing your horse” if you’re not perfect.  Which you aren’t, by the way *wink*.  Sorry to have to be the one to tell you that.  I hate hearing it too.

Sometimes I’m braced.  Sometimes my horse is.  Sometimes he’s braced because I am.  We try to always end on a good note.  Each day better than the last. 

And you know what?  Every day I show up and he nickers at me.  I have a song in my heart just for him.  Is everything perfect?  No.  But you know what?  We show up anyway.  We work on it.  Even when we don’t really feel like it.  And isn’t that what matters?!?    I think it is…  I think that is what counts more than the perfect moments.   Showing up for the imperfect ones…  Sharing their burden and working through it together. 

I feel better now ;~)

Maintaining flexibility to change my plans… while actually HAVING a plan.  That is an interesting balance.

Over the last few years (having kids!) I have learned to keep my plans “in pencil” rather than ink.  I have grown to appreciate being able to get up at a moment’s notice to help someone that is in need, or change our plans for home schooling, or (_fill_in_the_blank_) 

HAVING a plan is the hard part for me when it comes to horsemanship.

I can make a plan for housework, for soap making, for today’s math.  I don’t doubt myself, it seems simple enough, I put it in my Clie and move forward.  If I need to modify my plans, fine.  Easy enough.

But with horsemanship, somewhere along the way I lost “me”.  As a kid I rode.  It really was that simple.  I just rode.  100 degrees or pouring rain, I rode.  With a friend or (more often) alone, I rode.  A green arabian brood mare or a seasoned roping horse, I rode.  Past crazy dogs, through muddy marshy ponds and across intersections. 

I didn’t start with lessons, didn’t know any fancy catch phrases, had never lunged a horse.  Just grandpa and mom, in field with no fences.  Basic steering and brakes- that was it.  And it began… I rode.

I could never get enough Western Horseman or Horse Illustrated- reading the advice and applying it during my next ride.  Memorizing the patterns and trying them on the abandoned building pad next door.  Somehow I never questioned myself- I just loved to ride and wanted to improve where ever I could.  

How is it that now, so many years later… after studying well known clinicians, taking lessons with great instructors, reading books and watching a bazillion hours of video… how then is it possible that I feel like a WORSE rider than when I was in 3rd grade?

I know that part of it is that I’ve drown myself out.  There are too many voices to listen to.  I no longer have that inate trust of myself and my horse.  I no longer ride with the child-like abandon that knows no fear.  But I do remember.  A friend recently gave me some advice, to listen to myself and do what I thought I should do without over thinking it.  Wow, what a concept, lol! 

Listening to MY gut rather than playing loops of everyone else’s advice in my mind, thus rendering myself inaffective.

That has been my riding goal lately.  To listen to my gut and RIDE.  It is going VERY well.  I have been riding up and down the driveway of the place where we board… down the street and back.  Just getting Nez comfortable riding out (which he has a pretty easy time with) and back (which he would rather race home). 

We’ve kept up our little jaunts on the local trail system and it’s gone well.  But today was so beautiful and just felt like going for a real trail ride.  So I did.

We warmed up in the arena and out we went.  I prayed over him and the song that was going through my mind was “I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back, no turning back”.  I prayed that we would be safe, that his mind and feet would be with me and that he would decide to follow me.    I got off to pass the uncapped t-post fence down the road, we went through the gates and I hopped back on. 

“Let’s go.”  A couple of times he weaved a little, glanced back… once he stopped.   My plan was to ride.  I didn’t feel that changing that plan was necessary, so I told him he’d be fine and to keep moving.  I listened to my gut and what I believe is God, guiding our feet down the trail.   Nez did a little squirming, I got a little firm- but I rode as softly as I could and was as firm as I needed to be.  We rode out on a nice loose rein and had a GREAT time! 

Once I finally decided that I could do it and that I’m a perfectly capable rider, I guess he thought so too. 

We went out farther than we have before, past the bob cat spot, through mud and up and down some hills.  We went out far enough that we even past another rider :~)  I took the picture above when we were on our way back with my phone. 

Along part of the way I sang the song outloud… it was a glorious ride.

I did get off and walk almost all the way back- he still wants to trot when we turn to head home (at a snails pace, lol, but we’re going for solid, comfortable trail riding here, not super slow trotting and anxiety :~)   And up the last long hill I kept reminding myself “sweet potatoe pie, stuffing and mashed potatoes” over and over again!

Horsemanship is journey.  Just like growing up was.  Just like parenting.  Just like life! 

My journey has brought me to a place that God is able to use my quiet time with my horse to teach me things that I will be able to use in the rest of my walk through life.  And one of those things is that sometimes there is great value in staying the course and following the trail without turning back.  

I believe that we learn as much as we are open to- good days or bad.  But this morning I had a good day that impacted the way I see a lot of things.  One very important revelation was totally unrelated to horses.

Today was ride #2 out to the local trail head.  Well, it was hand-walk #2 :~)

We started the day by warming up in the arena…  nice forward walking.  A little bit of leg for steering (a concept which he still hasn’t mastered and isn’t quite sure if he should be going faster or moving over).  Thanks to a suggestion from a friend, I did a few patterns for him to focus on that I could repeat at the trail head.  We did a few walk trot transitions with hardly any trotting, trying to keep this old guy sound, lol.

Once he felt nice and warm, I got off and we walked out to the trail head.  Past a llama that galloped after us, past the goats, past the barking dogs and calling horses.  Through the gates and he made it all the way, calmly, like he’d done it more than once. 

On the other side of the final gate, I checked the girth and hopped on.  No dancing.  No prancing.  No evading.  He just stood there, quiet and ready.  Oh be still my heart!

I praised him and rubbed him and let him stand.  Then I asked for some forward and we started right in with the same patterns we’d done in the arena…  walk forward on a circle, whoa, back, pivot, whoa.  Praise.  Start again. 

He exceeded my expectations.  My plan was that if he would go through the pattern calmly, I would reward him by quitting.  He worked calmly, relaxed and on a loose rein while we were facing away from home.  Facing toward home a few times he thought about trotting, was a little rushed and I had to have more contact with his face than I’d like. 

But every time I asked for a whoa I got it.  And every time he stopped, he backed right up. And best of all, most of our stops he was able to stand still for a few seconds.  I didn’t look at my watch, but there’s no way it took longer than 7-10 minutes.  And the first time that he worked on a loose-ish rein as we were facing home, I kept my promise and quit. 

We did go for a walk down the trail for a little ways and when he had a big forward walk, I walked a small-ish circle and we headed home.  He walked nice and easy all the way back.  I think I’ll walk him home from the trail head gates to the barn every time for a good long while to instill the “we walk nice and easy” concept solidly before I ride back. 

I was floating on a cloud and grinning on the walk back!  And by now the neighbors must have figured out that I hold full on conversations with my horse, lol.  I am SO looking forward to our next ride- probably on Monday.  Plan for Monday is the same basic plan, but I’d like to be able to work in a larger area (arena size compared to round pen size).  And I’d like to head out on at least 2 of the trails, turn around and ride back on a loose rein several times. 

I think once we have that mastered, we’ll have a nice solid foundation and be ready to venture out with me in the saddle.  Though I think I will try to still get lots of walking in- I feel really good about the exercise that I’m getting with the extra walking…  I may just ride out and walk back on our first few trail rides.  I feel kind of funny walking my horse, but my legs sure feel great after a nice up hill walk!

So as I floated and grinned on my drive home I had a profound moment.  Nez has taught me that I don’t just want a compliant horse… I want a horse that trusts me, communicates with me and ultimately does what I need him to do.  Even if it’s not his favorite thing, but not because he has no other choice.   When I first brought him home, he would do whatever I asked.  As he trembled.  It took a lot of effort and time to teach him that it was o.k. to have an opinion that was different than mine.  That I would not punish him for expressing himself.  I had to find ways to help him understand appropriate ways of expressing his feelings and fears that would keep himself and people safe. 

I am seeing the fruit of that now.  In his confidence, in his boldness, in his expressiveness.  I am seeing that because he knows if he is afraid then he has the option to move his feet, he doesn’t move far anymore :~)  Where a “move of his feet” used to mean scrambling across the pasture, it now means shuffling backwards or sideways a few steps.

So as I grinned my way home and replayed it in my mind, it lead me to thinking about my kids…  Sometimes they express their disagreement and opinions a little too strongly!  Not quite appropriately…  I can find myself easily frustrated with their outbursts.  Wondering what I’ve done so wrong.  Today I realized that it’s not about what I’ve done wrong- it’s about what I’ve done RIGHT.   I have kids that are confident enough to disagree with me.  To stand in the face of authority and express what they feel.  Kids that, once they calm down, can be communicated with openly- kids that will listen and learn and ask questions.  And ultimately, kids that will do the right thing in the end, even if they don’t feel like it. 

Funny how I can be trying so hard to help my horse get to that place- and be happy with the little steps he offers in the right direction.  And in contrast how my kids offer so MUCH and yet I find myself dissappointed.  Wow.  That all changed today.  Thank you Lord for using my spotty old pony to teach me something so profound.  And I’m sorry it took me so long to get it.

When a horse is legitimately afraid, they cannot think through a situation.  Neither can I, for that matter…  Nez has spent the last year learning that we’ll allow him to move his feet if he needs to (as long as it’s not over the top of a person), that we won’t sock him in the face, that we are consistant (as a scatter-brain can be, lol) and that we are fair.

Lately he is growing more bold…  Things that I would cringe to see another horse do (like mug me for cookies) I am tickled that he has started doing. 

Of course, with the new boldness comes a new need.  The need for correction.  Or boundary.  Or clarification of boundary. Or respect for my leadership.  I’d rather stab my own leg with a fork than use some keyword that a clinician has turned into an idol, so I guess I should define what I mean.

Correction- telling him no.  I’ve heard people comment harshly on the term “correction” and maybe I’m some kind of fool… but on Tuesday when Nez turned around, gave me the “look” and bit my stirrup he flat out needed to be told NO.  Nothing more was needed and he knew exactly what I meant.  The same kind of guidance that I would give to my child if he was about to make a mistake is what I offered to my horse.

Boundary- I’ve purposely let Nez come into my space.  I know, it’s risky.  I felt strongly that I needed to take some risk here and let him see that my space was safe.  My space was not filled with anger or danger or any of the things that had made him afraid in his previous life.  My space is filled with massage, cookies and kind words.  My space is something that he’s come to bask in.  A place that he longs for…

Carity of boundary- “My space boundary” is changing.  Now that he is not afraid to get too close to my bubble I need to make sure that I’m clear with him.  He needs to know very assuredly what is o.k. in my space and what is not.  He needs to know when I am inviting him and when he must wait. 

Respect- This word is borderline hilarious to me.  Some horse folks seem to hold this elusive concept as a diety while others disdain it and the word seems to stick in their mouth as venom drips out when they talk about how it does not exist.  Or they don’t believe in it.  Whatever.  What I mean by “respect” is that I want to develop a relationship and set a precedence with my horse that he is able to maintain a regard for me no matter the outside circumstance.  I want to know that when I set a limit of my space, it is important to him to maintain that limit.  I want to know that when we are in a tight spot on the trail, he is going to maintain his regard for me while I’m on his back and not forget that I’m up there and go off to do his own thing.

He needs to learn to accept correction.  He must allow me to send him out of my space. And he must maintain his regard or ‘respect’ for me.  All things that that require me to be better today than I was yesterday…  I need to be able to offer consistancy and clarity in a reliable and calm manner.  As strong as I need to be, as softly as I can.

This is really going to come into play in the next week.  You see, the last 2 times that I’ve moved Nez to a new place, he has had some stuff to work through.  I just started riding him again after his tough trailer ride and injury, on Tuesday.  We did some arena warm up and then I took him for a walk on the trail.  Yes, I walked.  Trying to keep his calm presence of mind… but we shall see.  I did get to mount with him standing still and while in the saddle, he was able to finally quiet his feet.  So I got off and we walked back. 

Next time I’ll get ouside the gates to the trail head and mount there.  And if we have to we’ll stay in that area.  My goal will be to discern the difference between when what he needs is quiet and when I need to occupy his mind to keep him busy.  And, yes, when he may need to be told no.  Or reminded that he CAN do something.  Hopefully we’ll be out on long trail rides again soon. 

I have to remind myself that God is patient with me.  He is patient with my fears, but not indulgent of them.  He is caring, loving, understanding, fair and STRONG.  I can never forget His strength…  it is what gives me the ability to trust Him when I am not sure of myself or my circumstances.  If I can have that kind of relationship with my horse, he will be able to look to me even when his confidence is wavering. 

Growing bolder is quite a process.

Well, I realized a few minutes ago that the last post, which I thought I had saved as a “draft” was actually originally published (unfinished!) back on the 4th.  I, of course, did not realize this until after I logged on to make some changes and republished it.  So, I guess I ought to write another post.

One that is a little less easy.  A little more personal. 

Yesterday was one of those days.  Those days that we don’t speak of.  A day that nothing really went wrong, but I felt cruddy anyway.  Couldn’t blame it on hormones.  Just every day life.

Communication issues.  Kids gone haywire.  Old dog “issues”…  Like how in the world does the turd actually STICK to his butt?  OMgoodness!!!  I nearly barfed cleaning it off.  A saddle that I thought was sold- well, it turned out the centerfire girthing didn’t work for her horse.  Dang- I was going to spend all that money on feed and wormer to last me the next 6 months!  A phone line that doesn’t work and WOW, the phone company will come right out to fix it… sometime between 8am and 7pm.  By the way, make sure someone is home.  WHAT?! 

Nothing major- just every day life.

Sometimes don’t you just want to cry or crawl back in bed?  Usually the thing that helps me recenter is spending some time with my horse… even if I’m just doing chores.  Praying, crying if I need to.  Just standing quietly and burrying my face in his neck.  But since I couldn’t leave the house waiting for AT&T, no horse time.  Finding a quiet spot in my house to pray and “shake it off” in next to impossible so I had to make due with what I had. 

Sigh. 

I know it won’t last.  This morning I’m up and at ‘em at 5:00, had coffee & showered… breakfast made and dinner in the crock pot…  Pumpkin candles burning, laundry in the dryer, all beds are made…  Started homeschooling and it’s not even 9:00.  The house is fairly quiet (for my house anyway) and today is a new day.  Sometimes when I feel discouraged I just have to rest in that.  That today is a new day. 

Maybe it will be harder than the last, maybe easier.  Maybe even the same.  But it is new…  And if it sucks, it will be over soon enough, lol.